Hi Family:
I just arrived back in Helsinki today. I am staying at the Comfort Inn Pilotti in Vantaa near the international airport. I arrived and never unpacked. The pager and cell phone started minutes after I landed and it's about 9PM and I am still at work. I have not done laundry, showered, shaved and need a haircut. You might think this is all crazy, but it is true.
I arrived at the office and remembered where everything was and entered the "war room" and everyone just looks at me and assumes this is my "style" or how I dress and they don't even think for a moment what it's like to get rushed from one project to another because I am a piece of shit temporary consultant and they are full-time employees and managers.
When I can, I have been sneaking in a few pages here and there of the latest authorized posthumous biography of Che Guevara. As I read more andmroe about his childhood, personal life, I can see why the disdain and contempt for authority, for the wealthy and for the political overcame him and became his driving force towards final confrontations. I feel it is happening to me too.
I am relating this to you because you ARE MY FAMILY. And, also because I saw that "JW" got the wrong end of the bull, by the horns so to speak and I feel sorry and sad about that. I want all of you to get along and support one another and be happy and work together here for yourselves, for others and for new people. All of you are incredible and provide unbelievable help, support and save lives, even though you may not be aware of the depth and levels your contributions penetrate in the lives of the broken and weary.
JW was right. I am too tired and I believe my confrontation is coming soon too, like El Che. I am tired of the rat race. Marina knows how I feel and she knows I can't keep living without both of my girls together and I can' find peace or justice in life. It is too much to ask to keep living for others and accept the painful truth that justice and peace do not exist after Talia's death.
I love everyone I call a friend and relative, I really really do and some of you who know me personally can attest to that (LDH, loneleysheep, bebu, Nena/Chris, Hubert, AlanF, a so many others....forgive the oversights). But, you reach your limits. I know I cannot provide a decent and stable home environment for Marina without professional employment. However, the mental burdens and stress of professional employment are combining with other external factors and they are counting down my time at a much faster pace than I would have expected as of last year.
I really don't want to go through another home purchasing process, or another cross-country or international move. I don't want Marina to keep changing schools, losing the few young friends she has made while survivng this tragedy. My family is tired of seeing me this way in both locations and I am not even keeping up with health and fitness anymore.
I am for all intents and purposes a functional alcoholic. I start in the morning with the mini-bar to forget the restless night before and then it's off to the airport bar, then it's the drink cart, and then it's the next hotel mini-bar again and on and on and on the cycle goes and where it stops, who knows? Please don't argue with each other because all of you are helping me everyday! Some of you have different timing and different perception but I know the intentions and motives are pure and loving.
I wish I could buy all of you your own personal utopia the exact way you would have it and make you live forever in peace.
Your brother always,
MJB
LOVE
Utopian Reformist
JoinedPosts by Utopian Reformist
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65
so exhausted you can't rest
by Utopian Reformist ini have been on the road now since late march.
i am in helsinki, finland and am very very very tired.
i am flying out again tomorrow to mexico city via london & atlanta, ga. i will be working in mexico city until the 27th of may.
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Utopian Reformist
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65
so exhausted you can't rest
by Utopian Reformist ini have been on the road now since late march.
i am in helsinki, finland and am very very very tired.
i am flying out again tomorrow to mexico city via london & atlanta, ga. i will be working in mexico city until the 27th of may.
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Utopian Reformist
Dear Family:
How is everyone? I hope all of you are well and happy and healthy feeling great. Thank you again for the wonderful messages, phone calls, cards, letters and amazing display of friendship, family and support. I love you guys more than you will know and send all of you a huge hug (((()))).
Well, Mexico City would have been fun until the President made his speech. Then, traffic was unbearable, protests everywhere, the US embassy was crowded and guarded with triple security, vehicles in front blocking access and then armed guards in two layers in front of the compound. The GTECH office is located on Avenida Constituyentes 635 and the other offices in the city are over in Santa Fe near the all of the foreign mission's homes and ambassadors homes.
So, a couple of times a week we had to drive over to the other data centers to work and we could see the militant posture the authorities were taking with protestors of the Fox government. I felt so tired and just wanted to go home. I have literally had it with service people and menus and the whole travel
thing. I haven't even unpacked and have to fly out tomorrow to Frankfurt. Then, in the middle of the week it's back to Finland and then Rome and then home on July 3rd.
I'll tell you, when I get back I am sleeping for a month. I don't want to see a phone, a pager, computers, servers, routers, etc or anything electronic for a good long while. I just want to land on a beach somewhere and do nothing ut sleep in the sun forever. You guys who think busines travel is fun, I am sorry to disappoint you but it's a second job and very stressful.
Nowadays, it seems al company mission statements should read "cut cost" because they book the cheapest flights, the most stopovers, the worst scheduling and I am sick of it. I don't know how I am supposed to spend a month in Beijing in December. I might quit before then because I need a break.
Anyway, i also wanted to say hello to all of you and tell you we did spend one day at the pyramids at Teotihuacan. That was beautiful, awe inspiring and ver restful under the hot aztec sun. I took disposable over the counter cameras to CVS to have pictures and CD's created but they are not ready yet. When they are, I will post some pictures of Finland, Mexico, Argentina, Italy and a few other places I worked in over the last five or six months.
take care everyone,
love,
MJB -
65
so exhausted you can't rest
by Utopian Reformist ini have been on the road now since late march.
i am in helsinki, finland and am very very very tired.
i am flying out again tomorrow to mexico city via london & atlanta, ga. i will be working in mexico city until the 27th of may.
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Utopian Reformist
I made it down to Mexico City on Sunday as planned and I am staying at the Camino Real Hotel on 700 Mariano Escobedo in the heart of the city, about a half-mile from the presidential palace. My body is still in Finland. I did not sleep a wink last night and ended up waling around the hotel at night, watching several soccer games on cable tv, reading a newspaper and then trying to do my expense report and around 4AM.
I started working today at the client's data center. Same old story, arrive on site, bring in the racks and cabinets with the gear, power it on, test, begin final configurations and take the systems live and then wait for problems.
So many of you are so kind. Alan, I would at least cut off a finger just to hang out with you for a few short hours and chit-chat, even about nothing. If I ever get assigned to the Colorady lottery project, I will call you ASAP. I hope the family is fine and all is well. Chris & Nena, you too! I am supposed to hit Texas for training in Austin and for some installations later this year. If I don't lose it our of sheer frustration, I would always definitely come visit and relax in your fine company. That goes for everyone on this board because I do love all of you.
After Talia died, and the state court screwed me, I got stuck with all of the bills and IRS problems, and Tonya's family got my money and my surviving Child. So many of you have gone way way above and beyond what is extraordinary to love me, support me and take care of me thru thick and thin and don't think I would ever ever forget that or not be proud of all of you. You are tremendous people. If there ever could be a real utopia, it would have to start with the people right here at JW.com.
Anyway, I am down here for two weeks. I am flying directly to Finland again and then supposedly I will be able to take some time off around June 12th. If it happens, I am definitely going to sleep and sleep and sleep. I am going to buy tons of sleeping pills and Jack Daniels when the time comes because I need it.
I will try to stay in touch. I am so tired tonight and am definitely going to crash. Thank you all for the boost I needed and for being there for me! I appreciate it very very much! If anyone is in Finland, I will be staying at the Hilton Strand, on John Berginstrand in Helsinki. I will be there from 5/28 until 6/11.
Right now, if anyone is in Mexico City, please call me as I have setup my Sprint PCS phone for roaming so I can be called at: 001-401-954-9919. I could use a friend to sit down with to relax and just chat, a glass of wine wouldn't hurt either.
Adios Familia -
33
deceased relatives and visiting in dreams
by snarf inmy grandmother passed away in december of this past year.
she believed that all religions were full of false teachings, therefor at times turning to supernatural beliefs.
she believed in ghosts, life after death, etc... anywho, i had a dream a couple weeks ago, very vivid, and we were riding in an old truck down a dirt road with corn growing on both sides.
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Utopian Reformist
I have had dozens of dreams of my favorite relatives who are no longer here in this life. This has happened ever since I was old enough to remember, say around 9 or ten years old until now. Since Talia has been gone, several therapists asked me to keep a journal and record all of the details about her everytime I have a dream, and I have been 99% accurate and faithful in this regard.
I have learned several things from reading some books ont he subject of parents and children who die young, the dead, dreams and coping with loss and grief. I read Elizabeth Kuble Ross about Children and Dying, Death and Dying and am also getting setup for more therapy with famous dr. Therese Rando. So, I say all of that to say I have an opinion I want to share because of what I have learned about the way we deal with death.
Well, I admit the dreams of Talia always affect me for days, sometimes weeks. I miss her and love her more every second of every day. I try to dream about her as often as I can and if I could, I would never leave a dream with Talia and stay wherever that is and never wake up. But, I amnot positive of several things.
1. Are dreams the subconscious way our mind plays back all of the thoughts images and memories and issues we are concerned with? If so, then we are not being visited, just recaling things in our sleep. For example, Talia is only a certain age in my dreams, she's not 12 and tall like she was before dying. She is always around 8-10 just the way I remember her in her prime.
2. Why are the dreams always full of a mixture of unrelated stuff and we can never feel totally conscious during the dream and we almost always realize we are in a dream, thus are we really leaving reality and visiting another dimensnio, is someone visiting us, or is it just the mind's way of emptying itself like a data cache?
3. We don't have actual evidence of what happens after death that is documented by more than one person.
So, in the end, even though I miss Talia and my other close relatives, I can't prove anything and can't contact them other than in my dreams when I have already spent all day crying and missing them in the first place. So, I remain skeptical until I get more evidence and am sorry it's not provable, yet. -
65
so exhausted you can't rest
by Utopian Reformist ini have been on the road now since late march.
i am in helsinki, finland and am very very very tired.
i am flying out again tomorrow to mexico city via london & atlanta, ga. i will be working in mexico city until the 27th of may.
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Utopian Reformist
Hi Linda:
I will be in London tomorrow afternoon sitting in Heathrow, watching people walk by, possibly eating all of the junk food I can fit in my belly. I do have a UK-Vodaphone number (which needs more topping up again) and its +44 0779 6800 123. It should be activated again as soon as I hit Heathrow. Thx for checking in on me, I appreciate it a lot.
I will tell you, I think I have reached my limit with technology. After about 15 years, I am ready to call it quits for good. Hope to talk to you soon, or if you are near the airport, please stop by and let me buy a few rounds and watch me get drunk, yankee style! I promise a scene you will never forget! -
65
so exhausted you can't rest
by Utopian Reformist ini have been on the road now since late march.
i am in helsinki, finland and am very very very tired.
i am flying out again tomorrow to mexico city via london & atlanta, ga. i will be working in mexico city until the 27th of may.
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Utopian Reformist
I have been on the road now since late March. I am in Helsinki, Finland and am very very very tired. I am flying out again tomorrow to Mexico City via London & Atlanta, GA. I will be working in Mexico City until the 27th of May. On the 28th, I fly back to Helsinki until the 10th of June.
On the 11th of June, I finally fly back to the US for three days, until I fly from Providence to Portland, Oregon again, where I will be working. On August 4th, I fly back to Helsinki again until the 23rd of August and then fly home to Providence. I will stay home for a change until mid-September when I fly to Prague in the Czech republic. I will only be there 7 days and then its back home until late November when I fly to Beijing, China and stay there working until the new year.
I have been to Colombia, Venezuela, Argentina, Germany, England, France, Holland, Finland, Italy, at least once or twice in the same calendar year, plus Oregon, Arizona, Pennsylvania, New Jersey, New York, Connecticut, Maine, Massachusetts, Florida, Georgia, Illinois, Washington DC, Delaware, North Carolina, Louisianna, Alabama, at least once or twice in the same year.
I thought a traveling job was going to help me and distract me and prevent me from dwelling on sadness, depression, suicide and keep me so busy I could not have time for negative things. However, I have to tell you the truth, in the beginning, it was actually fun, exciting and great to be back on the road again like years ago and see some old and some new places.
Now, I really am just plain tired. I keep moving around with the same luggage, filled with the same clothes, carrying so much gear, laptops, networking equipment, personal tools, extra software, portable hardware, gadgets, etc. I am exhausted.
I literally want to fly away and not come back anymore and just give up on trying to integrate into normal western life again and start over. I am not feeling motivated anymore and am only going through the motions. I am sick of hotels, service people, public transportation, translating stuff in and out of english, eating food I really hate, etc.
I am whining and complaining because I am overdue. I have worked several three digit weeks this past month (105 hours one week & 121 hours another week). These installation deadlines are ridiculous and the lack of support and resources is taxing me to death. I stared in the mirror today and saw so much new grey hair that my age and farther beyond has finally caught up and overtaken whatever youthful genes and DNA I had inherited from my family.
I look terrible, tired and apathetic. I want to just do some strong drugs and sleep for days. Anyway, I am sorry about the rant, I know everyone has worked so hard to help me get back to work and get back on my feet financially (I did pay off more that $40K in debt this year).
I think I am really ready to quit now. I am not enjoying life and I did try to live for so many that count on me, my friends, my family, all of you and many others, but, I really don't have the strength anymore and am too tired to keep trying. I really do need to go to sleep permanently and get the rest I need from this life, from the memories and from myself too.
I think I can hang on a few more months to finish a web-site for Talia and for Marina and then setup some final arrangements which will take me beyond summer. I really don't want to see another winter or end up in China at the end of the year. I'm done.
Sorry to be depressing. Anyway, a big hello and hugs and kisses to all of you and sorry if I have not been around, listen if anyone is from Mexico City on the board, send me an e-mail and I will send you my hotel information.
Also, if anyone is from Helsinki, I am at the Hilton Strand in downtown and will return in two weeks. I would enjoy meeting anyone from the board while I am out on the road. Thank you all for everything and I hope to write again real soon.
Adios -
44
The false pride of a "Window Washer"
by LDH inback when my sister and i were regular pioneers in the late 80's, there were many things that caught my ear.
i don't usually make an effort to remember them, but i did yesterday.. i was sitting at a red light yesterday.
i happened to look to the right and i saw a middle aged black man washing the windows at the strip mall......... ken and debbie mccarthy were two regular pioneers in our congregation.
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Utopian Reformist
I knew an elder who later became an overseer (Lou Puerini of Cranston Rhode Island) who had a cleaning business. For years, many unskilled and under educated under achievers from the rank and file of several congregations in that area would work for a menial's hire and lull themselves into believing that they were rendering some holy tribute to Jehovah.
Let me tell you, this elder certainly did or said nothing to dispell such ridiculous notions. Of course, why would he interfere with anyone's personal relationship with Jehovah, epsecially if he was profiting from their righteous riches in the form of labor. Anyway, after creating a very sucessful cleaning company with accounts like "Toys-R-Us", "Star Market" grocery stores and some other local mentionables, this brother sold the business to another elder from Huntington View congregation named Richard E. Fuller, that's right, my ex-father-in-law.
Richard of course drove the business and the workers to the extreme and converted a six digit small business into a seven digit business. Due to physical demands only on everyone's health, he sold it to another brother. How do I know all of this and what does it all mean?
Firstly, Lou Puerini was tutored in the truth as a study by my closest friend (who studied with me also) Mike Castro of Queens, NY. Mike gave me the skinny on Lou who once was a heroin addict and studied to chase the woman he fell in lvoe with, Dale.
Anyway, the list of friends in cleaning taken advantage of by their own is endless and there is absolutely no spiritual value at all. It's a farce. -
63
Iran: Your Next !!!
by prophecor inare you watching world events unfold before your eyes?
iraq is receiving a liberation from ancient backward politics and a ruthless criminaly minded dictatorship.
boy geoge has stuck his foot in the middle east, to the amazement of virtually the entire planet.
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Utopian Reformist
I have to agree with many of the comments I have read so far. Centuries from now, history will have proven that the USA did in fact follow the course of ancient Rome. We are divided, and actively deployed in too many locations, and our internal infrastructure suffers from neglect, corruption, and the effects of greed, favoritism, rampant cronyism.
History will prove that in the last two centuries alone, what americans once believed was a true democracy, a two party system designed to represent the mass majority, did in fact evolve into a cleverly operated racket. A political and financial racket designed to benefit its players, its particpants, financial backers, supporters and lobbyists, while the population is led to believe a democracy is at work.
Democracy hasn't worked in the USA since campaigning became an administratively and legally protected for profit business! Political campaigning is now a giant machine, a conglomerate pretending to present two viewpoints, pretending to offer choice, but ALL CHOICES in our current political system are exactly the SAME!
There are no sides. All votes keep the machine alive, and keep feeding the lobbyists, the corporations, and the parasites. Until a complete overhaul of the american political system is obtained, with constitutional and evolutionary progress written into law, we are doomed to fall like Rome.
Thus, while administrations and their agendas pursue personal causes, personal wealth, and the enrichment of their croneys, we are internally falling apart. IBM recently cut 13,000 american jobs while hiring 14,000 new employees in India. Our products and services are moving overseas because the american employee has become a financial burden to american employers. Meanwhile, the american employee continues to vote, pay taxes and profess political support for change.
When I am criticized for abstaining from voting, I am not offended, just amazed at how naive we have become and how lulled into sleep we are by the system. Americans are like JW's because they still believe in the mother organization and its ability or desire to care for their needs. It is a sham.
It took revolutions to make change happen in europe in the 17th and 18th centuries, and while all major revolutionary changes are never permanent, it is an important event that needs to occur every few centuries to balance power, prevent perpetual oligarchies from retaining complete control of a major civilization. We need it too!
While our corporation's shareholders, executives and directors create parachutes for themselves and amass more wealth, our fellow workers lose their security. Our jobs are moved overseas and unions are useless and powerless as their executives struggle to create justifications for existence to continue collecting dues and operate from the earnings of their members, like another version of parasites. It is bleak.
We barely manufacture anything anymore and our largest companies are owned by foreign entities. We are being bled dry from within and the politicians responsible care nothing for the eventual consequences. I say anarchy until a new government is designed and created based on the original principles. -
63
Iran: Your Next !!!
by prophecor inare you watching world events unfold before your eyes?
iraq is receiving a liberation from ancient backward politics and a ruthless criminaly minded dictatorship.
boy geoge has stuck his foot in the middle east, to the amazement of virtually the entire planet.
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Utopian Reformist
I am keenly interested in this issue. So, I will address a few branches of comments based on the original question.
1. Is Iran the king of the north, south or anything prophetic related to the bible? In my opinion, it is irrelevant and also inconclusive and impossible to prove whether any of the purposely ambiguous prophetic language used in the bible has any real significance to current events at all. It is a fruitless pursuit to attempt to map any current events to religious writings, as if any intelligent powerful being would have cryptically sealed important information in an illogical format defying sense and reason and expected imperfect humans to sort out the details or suffer global cataclysms in armageddon. Ridiculous to say the least.
2. Is Iran next for US Attack? That depends on how much financial gain is available for politicans, corporations, lobbyists and the zionists backing them all. If it can be done without intervention and/or opposition from Russia, China, North Korea or anyone else who could possibly thwart the US military, then it is a definite possibility. Iran has oil and a lot of cranky clerics and is the spiritual home of the Shia.
3. Would nuclear weapons be used? I believe the most intelligent approach to avoid being occupied by american capitalists with a zionist agenda is in fact to quickly develop secret nuclear weapons and store them underground where they cannot be located, photgraphed, or attacked from the surface. It is the only deterrent that could keep the greedy coporations away from carving up Iran into contracts and subsidiaries .
4. What would Russia, China do if the US invaded Iran? I believe before any invasion would occur, the US government, its defense industry, and american business with the help of zionists would make sure to carve up pieces of Iran and serve up enough economic opportunity to Russia, China and anyone else to keep them quiet and out of the picture. If I were China, I would refuse to be bought and I would say "no more invasions on this continent". If I were Russia, I would say I get 50% of all the oil action or it's no go! If I were Iran, and I knew it was too late and the invasoion was definitely coming, I would prepare a huge strike against Isreal using everything available.
That's my take. -
9
ITALY! Anyone know of any ex-jw's in that country!
by altom ini am trying to make contact with any ex-jws in italy.
can anyone help?
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Utopian Reformist
Chi e' che abita a Roma? Io ho dei cugini a Ciampino, ed anche all'EUR. Sto qua in America, pero vengo spesso in italia. Vado dai miei nel Lazio, in Campania, in Sicilia ed altri luoghi.